Monday, 6 October 2014

15 things I didn't know about boys


15 things I didn't know about boys


They say you learn something new every day and I have always been a keen pupil. My secret passion for learning translated into not so secret passion for reading. So over the years I read hundreds of books. Fiction yes, but also works on cooking, marriage, motivation, dieting, fashion and divorce (not necessarily in that order). By my early 30s I found my head and my tiny London flat cramped with more books than the British Library. I was ready to take on the world.
So when I left the security of my reading capsule to explore the planet ‘Boys’, I thought I read and knew everything there was to know about boys. But nothing I have ever read could’ve prepared me for what I discovered by myself over the past couple of years…
1.       Boys love junk food and sugary drinks. Period. As a result the negotiations about eating vegetables are very real. And exhausting.
2.       They fart. A lot and everywhere (including at the dining table). And they think it’s funny. 
3.       They love talking about poo. The age doesn’t matter, 7 or 57 – they love talking about poo and giggling.
4.       They have their own vocabulary of describing and discussing poo.
5.       They eat burgers on the toilet while taking a poo.

6.    They take a bath while the other is taking a poo. In the same bathroom.
7.       They never stop talking. They talk from the moment they wake up, while they are eating and most annoyingly - over the movies. Some even talk in their sleep.
8.       If they are not talking at you they ask you questions. Firing them like a machine gun, they don’t necessarily expect them to be answered.
9.       They use your stuff, usually without asking for permission and never putting it back.
10.       They leave cups, plates, socks, pants and toe nail clippings everywhere.
11.   They come with pets and show a lot more affection to their pets than to you. If you don’t like pets you are labelled as mean and horrible.
12.   When you take them out they are suddenly hungry, thirsty and definitely need that thing over there that costs £1.50 because that is exactly what is missing in their lives. They play with it for exactly 1 minute before getting bored.
13.   They wear the same t-shirt or a jumper for days and only surrender it to the laundry if you take it away from them by force.
14.   Showers and baths need to be a compulsory not optional – otherwise boys will go for weeks without seeing water.
15.   They play, record and watch football. They talk football. They expect you to understand it and laugh if you don’t.
The more I was learning about the world of boys, the more convinced I was that they came from another planet. I couldn’t help but wonder, if they indeed come from another planet, how on earth can we ever make our worlds meet?
Unfortunately Amazon didn’t stock books on how to interact with aliens so I was left to figure it out on my own. And as I was trawling the internet in a search of clues, I noticed a little plastic flower stuck to my desk lamp. Little Dude made it for me during one of his school trips, it was the first present he ever gave me.  

And something clicked. Football, mess and poo don’t matter. What matters is when they come up, hug you and say ‘love you’. Out of blue and for no other reason other than because they really do. Just like that I found the trigger that brings two worlds together. And I figured it out without a book.